Tag Archives: motherhood

Balance is elusive….c

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A friend sent forwarded me a mother’s blog about balance yesterday.  In it, the author shares how quickly time flies but she also acknowledged that in the moment, time can feel like forever yet when you look back, it seems like it happened in seconds.  There are workout slogans that promise that “Pain is temporary.”  Older mothers tell me all the time to enjoy this moment because before I know it they will be out of the house.  Why, when I know this to be true, do I find myself still struggling ‘in the moment.’  And why, when it seems time takes forever, can I not get what I want done?

Last week I agreed with my college roommate Jess that I would write for ten minutes a day, but then life got in the way, as it always does.   Or maybe I’ve just gotten really good at putting what I need aside for other pressing matters, like my son needing my help to “go pee pee right now!”

It was a busy week – we were visiting my mother-in-law, so surely I should be able to set aside ten measly minutes to write, since I had another set of hands, but no, that did not happen.  Ideas floated up in my head, often while I was floating in the pool with the boys, but then I couldn’t find the moment to write these thoughts down later, my brain occupied by making dinner, chatting with my mother-in-law, moving kids to bed. Instead of berating myself as I’ve been known to do (at least in my head), I decided to just get up today and start again.  It’s not as if I’m being graded or have to turn this in.

Sometimes I miss those days of getting so absorbed in my work that when I come up for air, I can’t believe how much time has passed.  That happens to me now from time to time, and when it does, it feels great.  Now, there are constant interruptions – emails dinging with messages, phones beeping, children needing something immediately, colleagues requesting something as soon as possible.  Everything lately seems to be URGENT.  And I’m not the only one to feel this.

I remember when I had large gaps of space to fill in my evenings and weekends and how lonely that felt at times.  I envied my friends who were married and having children – they had the life I wanted.  Little did I know that I would miss some of that space – the time to ponder and dream and think without distraction.  I feel like it is so hard to string a sentence together lately, my mind racing in a million directions and my body shuttling us to all the places we need to go in a day.  But as I learned two years ago when I was training for my first race, it is simply one foot in front of the other.  One minute at a time.  Or as I re-learn in each and every yoga class – breathe in, breathe out.

Why is it so hard to find time to write?  Is it because it is something I really enjoy and it scares me?  Because I am afraid that I don’t have something to share, or that my thoughts will be judged? Am I afraid of having my light shine – like that Nelson Mandela/Marianne Williamson quote?  Or have I forgotten how to do the hard stuff in our world of convenience?  No, I’m not sure the last one is true, especially after slogging it out last Saturday in a downpour for 13.1 miles. Every step of that race was hard, but I was determined to finish – or at least get to the finish line as quickly as possible so I could get warm and dry.  And as a parent, it seems like there is hard stuff every day.

When it comes down to it, writing for 10 minutes is a good place to start.  I will keep aiming for 10 minutes each day and know that sometimes I will miss the mark completely, and other times, I will write for longer.  I do have something to say, but I’m not sure what IT is today.  I will aim for some semblance of balance – have the scales tip a little more in my favor, write a little more each day.  And when all else fails, breathe in, breathe out.

Pushing beyond my limits

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I started my day off at a yoga class one of my Mom friends was teaching locally.  Nothing says “Namaste” or “I’m going to have a great day”, as taking a kick-ass class at 8 AM on a Saturday morning.  I sweated and grunted and somehow managed to complete the class without falling over, which was amazing, because even though she said it was Yoga 1 level, what she meant to say was that it was Yoga 1 for people who could do headstands with little effort.

I was proud that I was able to finish, even while discovering that I am really weak.  I mean really weak.  And I’m not joking around.  Those poses may look easy, but unless you’re strong, and even if you are strong, your muscles will quake while you hold them.  I pushed my body and moved it in ways I didn’t know was possible.  This seems to be a theme in my life right now.

In January I began a couch to 10 mile training program (yes you read that correctly, MILES) for the Cherry Blossom 10 miler on April 7th.  (I have tendency to bite off a large chunk) I followed my training religiously and felt great, until I was struck down by the stomach flu.  And then my two boys were struck down by the stomach flu.  All this happened 1 ½ weeks before my race.  Let me tell you, the stomach flu can play with your mind.  It will make you believe that you will NEVER eat again.  And make you doubt your ability to even walk 10 miles.  But on race day, I felt great, besides nerves, and off I went, completing 10 miles without stopping.  Slow, but heck, who cares?  I didn’t – because I did it!  I DID IT!

And then, two months later, I find myself in Jess’ class, moving and stretching and pushing myself beyond my physical boundaries again.  And it felt great.  Really freaking hard, but great.

This is something I’d like to teach my boys by example – how to push through, even when things are really tough.  Someone once told me that just when you don’t think you can stand one more minute, to hold on because the light is right around the corner.  So true and so hard.  It can be hard to grow.  Or run 10 miles, or hold a yoga pose.  As adults, most of us have learned that few things come easy and that you often have to wallow through the muck to find the good stuff and grow.  As I learned in the winter, you have to put the miles on your legs by running five days a week in order to complete a ten mile race. You just don’t go out and run 10 miles.  Unless, of course, you are a professional runner or slightly insane.  And I can’t expect to just whip my legs up into headstand if I can’t even hold myself up in plank pose for 15 seconds.   Practice and practice and more practice.

So I started my day with a challenging but rewarding activity.  I’d like to say that the rest of my day was Zen and just flowed, but 15 minutes after the class, I realized that I had lost my iphone.  I still had to race home because my husband was late for work (some days I really dislike his schedule).  After loading my boys into the car, driving back to the studio, dragging them in and sneaking into the next class, I found my phone.  Perhaps I wasn’t the best example of a Zen-like person for those 25 minutes, but I’m still a work in progress.  And in spite of the iphone mishap, it was a great way to start the day.  I now have another goal in my sight.  Can anyone say chaturanga?